It was that one moment: poetry and reflections on a life making relationships with children and young people
by Dan Hughes
Dan Hughes is the revered clinical psychologist and founder of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP)- developed to treat children and young people who have experienced complex developmental trauma including neglect and abuse. DDP can be offered to children and/or with caregivers.
With over forty years’ experience working in this area- Dan Hughes skillfully, with a delicate eye and observant heart shares the stories of the children he worked with. He often wrote the poems at the end of the day, trying to process the devastating experiences they had endured.
This reflective poetry journey is an extraordinary insight into the acute workings of trauma and attachment, with haunting poems narrated through the eyes and hearts of children.
This is first and foremost a collection of poems, told in first-person voice- as readers we enter the worlds of the children Dan Hughes worked with. We experience the impact of horrific abuse, neglect and multiple care-giving failures. We experience the deep trauma and fear this causes, and how the scars continue to impact on future relationships. And yet, there are heart-warming glimmers of hope, like the belly laugh of an adoptive dad- where once a fist was raised in the home of a child, laughter now rejoices.
This is secondly, the reflective workings of a psychologist- not just observing the rhetoric of society’s most vulnerable children but also exploring his own shared experience of the therapeutic journey. Dan Hughes enters the inner worlds of these children, where demons hold childhoods captive. He wants to not only see the trauma through the eyes of children but connect viscerally. He is transparent about wanting to ‘rescue the child’ and candidly admits that there was often a reluctance to go there- beyond the surface- to the dark places. He reflects that the past cannot be changed or altered but with open hearts, through the relative safety of therapy, it just may be possible to dissipate the narrative of trauma.
Dan Hughes talks about the reciprocal relationship between child and psychologist/psychotherapist. Through the therapeutic relationship, the psychotherapist becomes a surrogate, trusted adult, quasi- parental figure, embarking on a joint journey of what healthy attachment can feel like. The poem, “I love you,” explores the wondrous realisation that a child could elicit interest- compassion and pride even from their therapist
“Nobody told me that therapy would be like this…How did you know about the soul that did not need to be fixed? …you are not a mechanic. You are an explorer. I am a treasure to you.You are a treasure to me!” (Poem, “I love you,” P91-92).
The impact of working with traumatised children also led Dan Hughes to what he describes as his own personal “time-travel.” He revisited his memories of his father- perennially absent through work demands. He then sees the bike fixing- the gentle storytelling at bedtimes. A more holistic, realistic version of his father emerges- frequently absent but wholly there when present. When we see the past through different perspectives, we can see our present more clearly. This helped him not only experience his father more affectionately-even posthumously but safeguards his own fatherly duties to his children. He is reminded of being present in his own children’s lives.
This book is a quiet revolution- it is not an easy read, exploring the very painful worlds of children who have experienced early life trauma. It would, frankly, be easier not to read this book. And yet, for those who work in trauma-informed care in all its manifestations- teachers, social workers, prison officers, therapists, psychologists, adoptive parents and foster carers, it is essential reading. It is also a truly glorious exploration of the therapeutic relationship and a precious reminder that children never recover from trauma in isolation.
Copies of this book: Dan Hughes: “It was that one moment: poetry and reflections on a life making relationships with children and young people.” can be ordered here: https://www.waterstones.com/book/it-was-that-one-moment/daniel-a-hughes/9781903269213